American Dad Celebrates Its 1000th Vagina Joke

American Dad pays lip service to vaginas ({}) (click emoticon link at your own risk) everywhere in its February 2008 episode entitled Widowmaker.

Posted remotely with some gadget from somewhere in NYC

** Note from Asphyxia: We are also celebrating this blog's namesake's virgin cuntribution.

Beaver Buzz Energy Drink

Move over Red Bull, there's a healthier, potentially more potent and beaver-friendly beverage catering to the terminally under-stimulated consumer hitting the market courtesy of our friends north of the border.


Offering a wide range of flavors, ranging from the typical citrus, berry and green tea varieties to the more exotic black currant and intriguing pink "chronic" and orange "core" energy options, Beaver Buzz is hitting the road in a gas-guzzling (albeit eye-catching) promotional Hummer and trailer to spread the Buzz across Canada and, presumably, eventually, points beyond.


In the meantime, visitors to its website can submit photos of themselves with a cool, refreshing Beaver Buzz drink "close in hand" and they'll be sure to post it. At first I thought it was a contest of some sort, but apparently it's just an interactive marketing ploy to connect with customers while garnering lots of free publicity.


That's not to say I won't be watching my local grocery shelves for the one of these colorful cans so that I can submit a photo of my own. Until then, those of us outside of Canada can order a fix online, and find out for ourselves if it's really as "Dam Good" as they say it is.

Bronx Beaver: Home for the Holidays

"After a year-long hiatus, New York’s most famous beaver has come home," the fine folks at the Bronx Zoo proudly report. "José, the first wild beaver to return to the City in at least 200 years, is setting up a new lodge at the Bronx Zoo. He’s even chomped down his own Christmas tree."


Someday I simply must make the trek out there and see for myself, ya know, to compare lodges and stuff. Stay tuned.

Celebrity Toe

Gossip site Scandalist celebrates the holidays with their very own novel year-end list: Top 25 Most Shocking Celebrity Camel Toe Moments Ever


(Madonna clocks in at #21.)

Sure, most of them aren't really that shocking (or even regulation toes, in a few instances). But Scandalist does deserve much thanks for bravely sharing a classic shot of Paris Hilton (#18) sporting her untamed toe in its natural red-carpeted Hollywood habitat. Any daring celebrities hoping to make next year's list might consider investing in one of these beauties, and take 2009 by storm!

Update: Now THIS is regulation celebrity toe! Werq!

Beaverwood School for Girls

As both its website and logo so wryly boast, "Beaverwood is proud of its ethos - AIM HIGH."


Yes, it's a real school. A technology college, even. For girls. In the UK. Where none other than Aiming Higher Winehouse herself has been spotted on campus with her goddaughter. Scaring kids straight, no doubt, one Beaverwood student at a time.


Well, at least the kid can always use the airtight excuse, "my godmother smoked my homework," in the event of any missed assignments.

Beaver Pushes Kotex Down Under

Yup, someone finally went there!


Television audiences in Sydney have been amused/horrified/indifferent while watching scenes of a carefree woman palling around town with a furry animated beaver while running errands, including stops at the beauty parlor, beach, and ...


... no doubt, her neighborhood chemist to take care of business, you know, down there.

Beavers Back In Britain

"For the first time in 400 years, the beaver has returned to Great Britain," CNN reports.


"Four wild beaver families arrived at London's Heathrow airport Thursday night, the first step in an effort to reintroduce the mammals..." (See full article linked above.)


A wealth of information on beavers and the benevolent organization spearheading this ambitious project can be found here. Please consider making a donation to help support this most noble undertaking.

Beaver Blasphemy

When Perez Hilton broke the news on his website last week that none other than Steve Carell may star in a movie called "The Beaver," currently in development and allegedly slated for release in 2011, you can imagine my excitement!


Then I read the Hollywood Reporter source article linked in the post, including this suspiciously familiar description of the impending project:

Anonymous Content recently picked up "The Beaver," a script from first-time writer Kyle Killen about a man who walks around with a beaver puppet on his hand, treating it as something close to a human creature with human feelings.

Um, surely this sounds more than a tiny bit familiar to any longtime (or even new) readers of this blog, right? My travel beaver (which, incidentally, mysteriously went missing down in New Orleans just a few days prior to this announcement) is, in fact, a finger puppet which I've been toting around -- to the amusement of some, the embarrassment of others -- to various locales around the country (and abroad) for several years now.

Here's a pic of the furry little fella in happier times:

After careful consideration, though, I've decided to refrain from making any accusations of plagiarism, infringement or other creative/intellectual impropriety. Instead, I'd like to lobby the producers and development team to utilize -- and perhaps even incorporate -- the vast content found here at Vagenda's Beaver Lodge to help make this film the Oscar-worthy blockbuster and inevitable worldwide phenomenon its subject semi-aquatic rodent star so richly deserves. (My influence may be vast, but thus far not entirely fruitful, ya know?)

Accordingly, please consider Asphyxia 8 and the entire beaver blog posse at your disposal.

UPDATE: New York mag has apparently seen a copy of the spec script, which it heralds, in part, as "one of the more elegantly fucked-up stories we've read in a long, long time." Further describing the screenplay as "dark and witty," the article reveals that at one point the lead character, Walter, claims he is under the care of a "prescription puppet," and "begins interacting with everyone exclusively through The Beaver, who is as chipper, positive, and loving as Walter has been depressed, miserable, and remote." Loves it!

UPDATE II: The Blacklist declares The Beaver 2008's Hottest Unproduced Screenplay. More on the surprising development here. Happy and all, but still scratching my head. I mean, WTF? Meanwhile, still no word from Anonymous Content.

Beaverabilia

A friend who recently relocated to Vancouver, British Columbia relayed a story to me today about the very first steamship to plow the Pacific Ocean, the SS Beaver. Unfortunately, the ship ran aground and sunk in the late 1800s.

Since this occurred so close to shore, though, much was salvaged from the ship, the remnants of which are affectionately referred to as "Beaverabilia."

Then, in 1966, the Royal Canadian Navy requisitioned Hull #216, and designed and built a replica of the SS BEAVER which is now rented out for murder mystery parties, corporate events and even gay weddings!

Sarah Palin's Beaver Roundup

Wow! This "deer in the headlights" sportscast is almost as painful to watch as those Katie Couric interview masterpieces. Luckily, you can catch Sarah's "Beaver Roundup" at 0:36 in this 1988 clip from Anchorage's KTUU-TV. Suffer through the entire 4 minutes, if you dare!

Bonus Link: Sarah Palin's Beaver Exposed!

Buck's Beaver

If you're not yet familiar with Buck Angel -- the self-described "man with a pussy" and the world's first and only FTM transexual porn star -- fasten your strap-ons. It's going to be a bumpy read!

(Needless to say -- but just in case Sarah Palin or any of her brood or simple-minded supporters are reading this, I'll make it crystal caribou clear -- most links contained herein are absolutely, positively NSFW.)


Buck's first film, the 2006 AVN award-nominated Buck's Beaver.

As one of the world's most fascinating and/or freaky persons, depending on your perspective, Buck's story is like no other. As the "undisputed king of transgender porn," according to a June 17, 2008 Village Voice article by Michael Lavers, "Buck Angel thrives on his ability to deconstruct notions of masculinity."


Photo credit: David Hawe, Village Voice

Also referenced in the Voice article was Buck's headlining the Saint at Large's 2006 Black Party at Roseland with shocking performances that took one of NYC's most notorious bacchanals to a previously inconceivable new level of debauchery. No small feat, as anyone who's been to the annual event will surely attest. Buck also starred in Schwarzwald: The Movie You Can Dance To, inspired by the party and produced by the Saint at Large. Other film credits include V for Vagina and Buckback Mountain.

Quotable Quote: "It feels good to get fucked. I don't think getting my cunt fucked makes me any less of a man."
("Buck Naked," Village Voice, 4/22/03)

Disco Beaver

Memories of Fire Island.

Ladies' Roller Derby

It has just come to my attention that a local roller derby team, Jersey Shore Roller Girls, lists among its members a team captain who goes by the name of "Angry Beaver". The last (obvious) frontier?


There's also another team out of Redding, CA that affectionately calls itself "Angry Beavers". And yes, there's even one gal skating with the Houston Roller Derby who goes by the daring name of "Angry Camel Toe". My personal favorite, however, is the "Special Vixens Unit (click for video)."

Who f 'n knew? Me thinks I see a live roller derby excursion sometime in the near future.

Spare Some Change?

Ain't no one gonna mess with you at the local laundromat (or anywhere, for that matter) when you whip out this classic, limited edition change puss purse and drop the coins on the counter!







As versatile as it is offensive! I challenge anyone to dare not bask in the synthetic glory of such a marvelous, utilitarian and anatomically innovative plastic monetary masterpiece.

My Puss

MORE PUSS, LESS BEAVER

Margaret Cho gives good Lip Service as she raps in her latest video: My Puss, Filet Mignon. Your Puss, a Double Coupon!

Beavers Score w/ Obama Connection

Live from the headlines of the Democratic National Convention last night in Denver! Full story here.

Muppet Beaver

This little fellow may not have gotten much airtime on the original series, but the semi-aquatic rodent community was at least well represented.

And he's even got his own Wiki page!

Barry the Beaver Vibrating Vinyl Friend

Just when you thought you've seen everything.

Barry's a discreet 5.25 inches tall, according to the website, and "starts buzzing with a turn of the tree stump base. It also features a handy bendy tail." Holy Dental Dams, Batman! Now, one has to wonder -- will Barry be destined to eternal hibernation at the bottom of some cardboard novelty gift grave, or will his battery-powered buckteeth actually get to munch away at another sort of box instead? Inquring/twisted minds need to know!

Liquid Virgin

Touched for the very first time. Or so he'll think, anyway! It'll just be our tight, little secret, mmmkay?

Facebook's Orgy of Beaver

Beaver Book Trade


Toronto's Beaver Cafe


Crazy Beaver T-Shirts


I Drink Because I'm From Beaver County


Buzzed Beaver


This Little Beaver Went to the Bank


Beaver Nation Sports & Athletics

Boring Beaver

Yes, even the London School of Economics celebrates the beaver in all it's scholastic mascot glory. The school's drab-looking student newspaper is even called The Beaver. Who bloody f'n knew?

Beaver Bulletin

As if these little guys don't have enough on their plates already, now some self-righteous anti-smoking campaign has co-opted the beaver's revered, industrious and health-conscious image to pass judgment with a PSA that recklessly condemns and informs smokers everywhere!

By encouraging people to spam everyone they know with so-called "log blogs," this public watchdogbeaver group apparently hopes to scare smokers into quitting their demon sticks by spreading the truth about this most nasty of habits. While the gesture is noble, surely such preaching/policing falls more squarely under Smokey the Bear's jurisdiction, no?

Lazy Beaver Bling

Even the most eager beavers need a break from all that wood chomping once in a while. So let this gold-plated Fendi chainsaw do all the work for you and help build the dopest lodge in da 'hood in a fraction of the time. Accessorize with companion gold tooth for maximum pond cred and you'll be up to the tips of your whiskers in hot semi-aquatic rodent action this mating season.

The #1 Cause of Death Among Beavers

Who f'n knew?

Canadians for Obama

Canadians for Obama

While not able to vote, lawful permanent residents can contribute and participate in the electoral process, using their collective voice to influence an election that deeply affects not only the country in which they reside, but the one from which they came.

The Big Beaver Co.

Another great gem from our good friends to the north. Live life large, eh?

Come celebrate National Beaver Day on the last Friday in February in Lombardy, Ontario, Canada.

Beaver Gas

Beaver works HARD! Locations throughout Canada and beyond. Stop by and fuel up today.

Contemplative Beaver

Beaver on break after skiing the slopes at Whistler resort, just north of Vancouver, Canada, circa March 2007.

Birthday Beaver Bonanza

Always looking for new and unusual ways to celebrate my birthday, I paid a visit to one of New York's finest strip joints last night, Larry Flynt's Hustler Club. The evening started out innocently enough with a group of friends at Vlada Lounge in Hell's Kitchen for Happy Hour, but only a few of them were brave and/or adventurous enough to join me for the next stop.

After a short stroll towards the Hudson River, we finally reached our destination at the corner of 51st St & the West Side Hwy. Due to a wee bit of door drama, our group of 5 dwindled to 3, and in we went. Not surprisingly, the place was pretty quiet at 8:30pm, so we headed right up to their fabulous rooftop deck to enjoy the beautiful spring night with a few more celebratory drinks. Our adorably cute and super sweet waitress, Janice, sat with us for a while and shared lots of fascinating stuff. Apparently we weren't the first group of gay men to stop by the club. In fact, she said it's actually quite common. Who knew?

By the time we headed back down to the main floor, the place had filled up a bit and the girls were on stage and working the room. It wasn't long before a beautiful young lady approached us and soon talked me into a lap dance. When we told her we were gay, she was like, "Yeah, I kinda figured that out when you asked about my outfit." (How could we not? She was sporting a fierce little suede leopard-print bikini and swimsuit season is just around the corner!) I have to admit, it was quite a sensual and erotic experience, even if my admiration of the female form is completely platonic. A second lap dance followed later, despite my polite objections, with another lovely young lady, before we decided to call it a night.

All in all, I have to say I was quite impressed with how professionally run this outfit is (w/lots of rules, like no hats, zippered outerwear -- apparently people try to sneak out w/bottles of unfinished liquor they've purchased, etc.), it wasn't sleazy in the least (for a strip club, that is), and everyone we met was a lot of fun and so nice. I doubt I'll become a regular, mind you, but I think future visits are definitely in order. If you wanna check the place out for yourself, print out a coupon from the website for free admission to avoid the $20 cover. Enjoy!

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