Werq Dis [Beaver]

Sweet Pussy Pauline vs 2 Live Crew, Junior Vasquez style!



WERQ!

Beavers Besiege Beantown

First, in today's "Did you know?" news -- according to this rather hostile article in The New York Times entitled "Return of the Once-Rare Beaver? Not in My Yard," "There were tens and maybe hundreds of millions of beavers in North America before it was settled by Europeans." Who f'in knew?



Something about wetlands, flooding and Armageddon or something. Whatever. The poor beaver, just now finally making a long-awaited comeback here in the U.S. after years of exile, just can't catch a break. I think it's time for everyone to just take a deep breath, relax and show the beaver some love and respect. Damnit.

The Cuchini Pad

I suppose it's understandable that there are certain situations when a slightly more modest woman might want to dress provocatively, yet not necessarily reveal every nuance of her unpredictably errant outer lady parts. So if subtly is your aim (as opposed to the eye-catching vaginal amplification offered by the ever-popular Camel Toe Cup), and errant lips are your objective to tame, then The Cuchini Pad may be right up your alley (no pun) to assist in concealing any unintentional protruding shame.


You can even send one anonymously to an oblivious and/or offending friend, co-worker, family member or even a random acquaintance (intimate or otherwise).

Perhaps an homage to the 80s bad-girl group The Go-Go's and their quintessential rebellious rock anthem, The Cuchini Pad has adopted the slogan "Our Lips Are Sealed" and this androgynous, mildly disturbing yet provocative cartoon camel mascot to help hock its expanding line of traditional unmentionables and more functional subterranean line of exotic undergarments.

Rest assured, your secret "cheat-sheet" purchases will always be held in the strictest of confidence as outlined in Cuchini's solemn pledge posted on its website assuring absolute privacy and utmost discretion on behalf of each and every client.

Year of the Twaco

I know. Stay tuned...

Paris Hilton: Prom Queen

For when you want to let your prom date know you’re a sure thing … why not don this classy and yet affordable vagina gown?


I've heard of wearing your heart on your sleeve, but this is ridiculous!

Travel Pussy

Courtesy of Michael Musto's Village Voice blog, I give you, my gentle jet-setting readers, the cheapest pussy 'round!


As Musto muses:

Yes, that's what it costs to get some pussy in a Munich men's room these days. Alas, you don't get a real one--no, I swear! "Kunstliche" turns out to mean "artificial," even though it actually sounds like...oh, never mind. So run to a German john and get yourself a fake pussy. Then jet off to Cuba and nab yourself a real one for 50 pesos...

Beaver Management

In her NY Times column yesterday, Maureen Dowd channelled that crusty old twat John McCain and his odious, anti-eco attempt (via Twitter, no less!) to derail the beaver bandwagon and its Washington gravy train by berating/belittling this most important stimulus package proposal:

• $650,000 for beaver management in North Carolina and Mississippi.

Today, one of Andrew Sullivan's more informed and compassionate readers chimed in with some common sense in its defense:

I'd like to take a moment to point out that the so-called beaver management is a legitimate piece of infrastructure spending. I spent nearly a year with the Washington Conservation Corps, and this was one of our tasks. We all know that beavers are really good at two things: chewing down trees and building dams. Combined with the fact that many streams are rerouted to accommodate roads and drainage systems, ignoring these furry engineers will lead to logs falling all over the place, blocked drainage and washed out roads. Tearing out these dams and installing counter-measures known as "beaver deceivers" is a time and labor intensive project. I don't have to tell you that repairing flooded roads and homes is even more expensive.

Yes, I can understand that the state of Arizona doesn't have too many beavers swimming around, but it's not that difficult for Senator McCain to ask about.

Bravo!

Beaver Instinct

Surely this would have been better than the actual sequel!

World's Largest Beaver

No, it doesn't belong to Chelsea Handler or Madonna! (Speaking of which, Handler's book My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands is a must-read!)

According to its Facebook fan club page, this "magnificent Beaver Sculpture arrived at it's [sic] new home right along side [sic] Highway 43 in Beaverlodge, Alberta" on July 16th, 2004 to "bolster town spirits and encourage tourists to visit our pretty little town."

On the discussion board, various fans ponder the burning question, "What's your favorite memory of the beaver?" Neil recalls "driving by it for the first time and thinking 'holy shit': that's a big beav. Sweet Jesus, if there is another beaver as big as this, is definitely isn't as beautiful. Seriously.......that's a sweet beav." According to Mike, "Drivin by the big beaver watchin smaller beavers take pictures!!" gave him a woody (no pun).

A field trip to Beaverlodge is SO on the (v)agenda! Stay tuned for details.

Beaver Bambinos

Ahhh! Now tell me this isn't just the most adorable thing in the world!

Relax In The Lip(s) Of Luxury

You deserve it!


I dare you to find a better, more over-the-top conversation piece ... anywhere! Except maybe Craig's List, where this custom-built gem was first discovered. (Matching pink lecturn presumably sold separately.) For the truly daring, accessorize with a "fluffy pussy purse."

Dam Beaver Game

More beaver games. Yay!


Build words to break down the dam. But watch out -- the sneaky little beaver up top has a few tricks of his own up his sleeve.

American Dad Celebrates Its 1000th Vagina Joke

American Dad pays lip service to vaginas ({}) (click emoticon link at your own risk) everywhere in its February 2008 episode entitled Widowmaker.

Posted remotely with some gadget from somewhere in NYC

** Note from Asphyxia: We are also celebrating this blog's namesake's virgin cuntribution.

Beaver Buzz Energy Drink

Move over Red Bull, there's a healthier, potentially more potent and beaver-friendly beverage catering to the terminally under-stimulated consumer hitting the market courtesy of our friends north of the border.


Offering a wide range of flavors, ranging from the typical citrus, berry and green tea varieties to the more exotic black currant and intriguing pink "chronic" and orange "core" energy options, Beaver Buzz is hitting the road in a gas-guzzling (albeit eye-catching) promotional Hummer and trailer to spread the Buzz across Canada and, presumably, eventually, points beyond.


In the meantime, visitors to its website can submit photos of themselves with a cool, refreshing Beaver Buzz drink "close in hand" and they'll be sure to post it. At first I thought it was a contest of some sort, but apparently it's just an interactive marketing ploy to connect with customers while garnering lots of free publicity.


That's not to say I won't be watching my local grocery shelves for the one of these colorful cans so that I can submit a photo of my own. Until then, those of us outside of Canada can order a fix online, and find out for ourselves if it's really as "Dam Good" as they say it is.

Bronx Beaver: Home for the Holidays

"After a year-long hiatus, New York’s most famous beaver has come home," the fine folks at the Bronx Zoo proudly report. "José, the first wild beaver to return to the City in at least 200 years, is setting up a new lodge at the Bronx Zoo. He’s even chomped down his own Christmas tree."


Someday I simply must make the trek out there and see for myself, ya know, to compare lodges and stuff. Stay tuned.